


Let Me Go / Don't Let Me Go

by SquishyRogue



Category: NCIS: New Orleans
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Other, Physical Abuse, Torture, basically every warning you would expect on a torture fic, but that's her own fault for being my favourite, it's gonna be a fun one for me, it's not fun at all for merri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-05-20 13:22:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19377574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquishyRogue/pseuds/SquishyRogue
Summary: Merri is kidnapped on her way to Florida and her kidnappers are in it for the long haul, not that anyone else even knows that she's missing.(Completely canon-divergent from the end of season 2 and this is mostly me exercising my enjoyment of torturing Merri)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/gifts), [starrynebula](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynebula/gifts).



> Alright so, as you know I haven't written very much at all this year, then while doing the regular drabble challenge on Facebook I had these ones that all connected and my dear friends [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/works) and [Nebula](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynebula/works) encouraged me to write more and eventually PinkAngel convinced me to make it a full fic. So really my return to writing is down to these two.
> 
> This first chapter is only Merri but others will pop up in future chapters. This will be ridiculously slow updated probably. I'm not sure. We'll see.
> 
> I'll eventually get back to my Designated Survivor/Critical Role fics... probably.

The darkness was something Merri thought she was used too, but until this moment she’d assumed that this would merely be a temporary inconvenience and her friends would come and find her. But she was rapidly realising that that may not happen. They knew that she had a couple of weeks off of work and maybe that was part of why they weren’t rushing. Nobody would come looking for her because she’d told them when she left that she was going off the grid. She’d thought then that she’d needed to reconnect with herself and at the time she had. Now she’d give anything for them to know she hadn’t arrived in Florida.

There had been no indication who these people were but Merri could assume that they were from the same group that Russo had been in. They had spat his name at her often enough on that first night when she’d tried to fight back. She was still nursing some bruises from that encounter but since then she’d only seen them when they’d opened the flap to push in food and water. It was pretty basic but it was edible, and the water seemed to be fairly clean.

They didn’t seem to leave the same amount of time between any two meals, so she really had no idea how long she’d been trapped down in this dank cellar. She was guessing at four days but she could be out by a couple of days. She’d been unconscious for a while too. She had no idea what they’d given her, but something she’d drunk at that rest-stop had knocked her clean out and she’d first woke up while being dragged down here, which is when she’d taken a beating before being drugged again. Now, apparently, they had given up drugging her. Maybe they just assumed that now she was in this cage she would be easier to control. She would be glad to prove them wrong.

For now, though she was going to have to just keep herself under control and bide her time. It was only two weeks. She could get through that if it continued like this. Maybe all they wanted was a ransom, who knew? She didn’t want to think about it really as it would be nothing she could influence anyway. All Merri needed to do was wait and she’d be rescued, wouldn’t she? 

* * *

Merri really didn’t know what day she was on now but mostly she knew that she really needed a shower and she also really needed something more than the concrete floor to sleep on. Her hips hurt, her shoulders hurt and she was hungry. She actually only just realised that she didn’t remember when she’d eaten last, maybe that was why she was also so damn tired. There was a second where she forgot what had woken her then there was a foot in front of her and she winced before looking up into the face of a man who looked a lot like Russo. After she blinked she started to notice the differences. His hair was blonder, his nose smaller and his eyes were blue, not brown. That didn’t help the instant recoil she felt upon the realisation. 

As she pushed herself up the door slammed closed behind them but the lights had clearly been turned on, throwing the cell she’d been held in into a stark brightness that made her realise exactly how messed up she was right now. This was clearly designed to test her and it was doing that. She finally found a voice and spoke, her throat feeling like coarse sandpaper as she did. “What the fuck do you want from me?” She tried to sound angry and forceful, but between the sandpaper throat and a mouth drier than the desert she didn’t sound anything more than hoarse.

“Call your boss, tell him what is on this strip of paper and nothing else.” The man had a commanding air about him that would usually have attracted her if she was out in a bar but that was not her main thought here. Here it was working out his weak spots. Where would she have to kick to cause the most damage and where would be the easiest to get him to silence him instantly. The order he gave was something that she would never be accepting no matter the situation, even less while she was like this. That was her only hope for them coming to rescue her. “If you don’t we will still call him and he will get to hear you die.”

“Get fucked.” Her only response as she staggered to her feet. That was when the first blow struck Merri from behind and she barely registered what was going on after that, nothing actually stopped in her mind until after she’d been thrown back into a corner. They left the lights on after their goons left this time, but Merri could feel what was probably a concussion and was almost certainly going to cause blank spots in her memory. Maybe that would erase the rest of this first encounter with them, the parts that she had always blanked in the past. 

They’d be back though. She hadn’t done what they wanted her to do and she knew that that was going to make them angry if she didn’t let get what they wanted. She would probably face a lot worse than a few blows to the head and some groping with intent. She was almost sure of that and she would have to try and remember that she didn’t really have that much choice when it came to what she could do. She was probably going to die here anyway, but she wanted to give them the best chance to save her. 

* * *

She wanted to believe that it had been a full day since they’d tried to get her to make the call but she didn’t know that it had been. After the first attempt they’d left her a few more hours then tried again which had gone pretty much the same way the first had. She’d gotten some food and water since then though and she felt a little more like herself. She took a breath as she heard the doors open and then pushed herself to standing before they came in.

Merri was about to say something when the leader, the guy who looked a little like Russo, held a photograph up that was enough to stop her in her tracks. Her mother looked so happy in the shot, walking her dog and talking with her cousin Jen. Merri didn’t know what to think with that and so instead she just reached out to touch the picture and then frowned when it was tugged away from her. “No, no. No touching the pictures, or anyone unless they let you.” He ordered and then smiled a little. “You don’t do what we’re asking, your mother is joining you here… and she’ll be the first of you to die.”

“You wouldn’t.” She replied as if she was calling a bluff but they both knew she wasn’t. She wouldn’t let anything happen to her mother even if that was going to end up causing more problems for her. She and Olivia may not have always seen eye to eye but Merri still loved her and would put her needs above her own whenever it was possible to do so. It made the choice for her though and she could feel the anger and resentment growing within her. “Give me the damn phone.” 

As she dialled she desperately hoped he wouldn’t pick up and she’d have to leave a voicemail, that she wouldn’t actually have to lie to him about what was going on because the one person she’d never really been able to lie to had been Dwayne Pride. Even over the phone he’d always been able to tell, and that would not actually be entirely beneficial in this situation. Or maybe it would be because at least then he would know something was wrong. She held her breath and almost winced when he answered, reading the lines off the script with her own terms, hoping that she could fool him enough that he wouldn’t necessarily look for her immediately. She told him she loved them all but that she wasn’t coming back. That she’d been thinking about leaving the job for a while but now she had the chance to do it and to just travel the world for a while. She told him she’d call him when she was back in the states and then she had to listen to him say the hardest thing to hear. “We’ll miss you.”

He’d believed her and that actually made this even harder, almost the second she said goodbye she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, feel the burn in her chest that was how much it hurt to tell them she wouldn’t be back, but it was the only way she could assure herself that they wouldn’t do anything to her mother. She didn’t want to risk that and she didn’t want to risk infuriating them any further by allowing that to show any further. Instead, she had the leader press himself to her a little more and whisper in her ear, “now we can think of all the fun we can have. At least once you have told your mother too.” 

“You can’t make me call my mother.” She argued back and instantly regretted it when a hand went to her throat and he remained too close, not letting her have the smallest ability to move as he choked her until she was gasping and grabbing at his hand to loosen and allow her to get air back into her lungs. She gulped in several deep breaths, well aware that his hand remained there, holding her in place, and he ran his other hand along her back causing Merri to shudder slightly.

“I think I’ll be able to make you do a great many things, and the things I can’t make you do I will just do anyway.” He still spoke into her ear and as she was still catching her breath he suddenly tightened his hand again, cutting off all air into her lungs and she scrabbled at his hands trying to get him to release, feeling the darkness getting ever closer as he kept his hand tight around her neck. She would have begged if she’d been able to but instead she embraced the darkness thinking that, maybe, this would actually be the end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We trade over to Pride's POV for this one. That entire first chapter took place in the last week of May/first week of June 2016. The next few chapters all jump around time like this a little. There are no warnings for this chapter. There will be a lot for the next one.

**May 2016**

The phone call from Merri had been entirely unexpected. She’d been a day late back and he knew that she’d left her badge and her gun here but he wasn’t sure what was going on next, especially not since getting the call. He’d been expecting her to come back and retake her position in their team but, instead, they were being investigated and now Merri wasn’t even coming back. He wanted to look her up, check on her but she had seemed like that was the opposite of what she’d wanted him to do, and King really didn’t want to disrespect her wishes. He just wished he knew what was happening.

The first thing he needed to go was to tell Sonja and Chris and he didn’t see either one of them taking the situation very well. Then he’d have to tell the others and they would take it even worse. He would have thought Loretta might always know. If Merri was leaving the city she would have to clear her house out and give Loretta notice for leaving her lease but she hadn’t mentioned anything. Was Merri’s leaving going to be as much a surprise to her as it was to him? There hadn’t been any indications that this was going to happen, but it was making King wonder if he could have done more.

Could he have told her more that it wasn’t her fault? That it was unlucky that Russo had chosen her as his target. That he had been attractive and charming and everything that was likely to draw someone in to him. She had just been unlucky. Should he have fought more for her with the brass, with DHS? He knew that she’d been cleared but there had still been plenty of people who blamed her for what had happened. Even now they blamed her and he knew that it wasn’t fair. 

Stepping through to the kitchen he could hear Chris and Sonja talking about what they were going to say to Merri when she finally walked through the doors and King hated to break that up and tell them they would never be able to tell her those things. He didn’t know if there was something else he could do but Merri had been very specific. She loved them, she was going to miss them but she needed to go away and heal herself and work things out that. He understood, he just didn’t want to. He then paused as he stepped into the kitchen and watched as Sonja and Chris’ eyes jumped to his. “She’s not coming back.” That was all he could say, and he watched their faces fall, from excited grins to dismay and King was just thankful that he wasn’t the only one who felt that way. Merri may not have realised exactly how missed she was going to be.

* * *

**November 2017**

Every box was opened, every box was checked so they knew what they had in their storage room. King wasn’t really paying attention at all until there was a flash of a yellow mug he hadn’t seen in over a year. Not since the day he’d put it on the top of a box full of the items from Merri’s desk. She’d never come back from them. Her badge still there right under the mug. He would remember that for the rest of his life. “Hey, look what I found. This the girl in this office before me?” 

“Yeah, Merri. She was the last one of us you could really call King’s ‘partner’.” Chris answered first, going over and picking up one of the pictures out of the desk. As King looked over and saw flashes of the frames and the other trinkets he remembered distinctly packing them away. He remembered thinking at the time that she barely had any pictures of anyone but their team. She’d had one of her parents, one of Emily and one of her ex-fiance. That was it. Every other picture on her desk had been the others in the office. “I wonder how she’s doing. Does anyone hear from her?”

“Not since she left,” King said quietly as he felt all the eyes landing on him. He didn’t want to explain everything that he thought had gone through her mind after Russo but he had shared some things with Sonja and Chris before so he didn’t mind expanding on that slightly, at least enough in what he was thinking about. “She was off on a journey of self-discovery, wasn’t she. Maybe she found herself.”

“Remember the day we took this picture. The first day after King bought CFA, we were all there and Sonja demanded a selfie.” Chris teased again, holding the picture just a little out of Sonja’s reach as he made sure to show their newest colleague one of the most vivid memories he still had of them all. It hurt to think back on that, it hurt even more to realise that almost as much time had passed since she left as the amount of time she’d been here to begin with.

“That was a good night. I remember I had to bring all the beers.” Sonja continued, teasing back in the way that seemed to be so natural for the two of them. As long as they continued working King didn’t care but he noticed that with this conversation they had all become far too distracted and they needed to finish this review of their office before the next urgent case came in. King didn’t want them to get bogged down in memories before that point.

“You were the new girl. Merri must have drunk half those beers and I swear she didn’t even swagger. She had the highest alcohol tolerance of anyone you ever met.” Chris laughed and King had to smile and nod in agreement. “Remember that last St Paddy’s she was here for?” That was another memory that King didn’t need to be thinking about. The guilt he had about that conversation almost dwarfed the guilt he had for what he’d done before she left. There was just a lot of guilt he felt about Meredith Brody and he needed to try and move past it.

“Work.” King just said, disbanding the impromptu trip down memory lane. Not because he didn’t want to talk about Merri, but because it really hurt to think about her. King could never shake the feeling of guilt about the way her situation went and the fact that she had clearly turned her back on her friends in the New Orleans office. Despite everything, King did still consider her a friend and he hoped that she considered him a friend too. He didn’t want to imagine that she would think of them as anything else. They had wanted to help her heal, but maybe she hadn’t actually been ready for that. 

* * *

**April 2019**

Deliveries didn’t often come to the front get, nor did people turning up with just vague descriptions of why they were but that was the person who was now coming around the corner and looking around the room. “Which one of you is Pride?” Clearly, someone who had no idea where he actually was and who he was dealing with. Not that King really worried about that.

“That’s me.” He stood up and looked around the room for the rest to leave. Chris motioned to the two other junior agents in the room to head out into the courtyard with him while King just looked to the uniformed man who had come in to the office with clearly no real idea what was going on.

He didn’t seem to let it bother him once he got into the reason that he was there at the very least. “We can’t get hold of the owner of one of our storage lockers and she hasn’t paid in three months. You’re the emergency contact on the contract.” King ran through his mind everyone who he knew who might have a storage locker, more than that who might have one and have suddenly started missing payments but he couldn’t actually think of anyone and that made him more curious.

“Who is it?” He had to ask and thankfully this man looked more curious that King didn’t know who the owner of the locker might be. He didn’t know anything at all about what was going on but it did make King worry that maybe Laurel was in trouble or that there was some other problem being left for him. What if it was someone who was -

“Meredith Brody.” That caused an immediate pause in King’s thoughts. He hadn’t heard her name in a while. He hadn’t even thought about her in a few months and as soon as he realised that he felt guilty. He had missed her so much when she’d first left how could he have suddenly stopped thinking about her. He was playing catch up with himself before he suddenly made the connection. Merri had a storage locker in New Orleans, a storage locker she’d stopped paying money on. That didn’t seem like her.

“What do you mean you can’t get hold of her?” King was an investigator and he had a good gut instinct. He’d always been able to get by on his pure gut instinct and he was hoping that this wouldn’t be any different. He knew when something was wrong and he knew when something couldn’t possibly be what people were saying. This situation had all those hallmarks, and it was making him sick to his stomach.

“Address and phone number are fake. Until three months ago she’d always paid on time.” He was flicking through the clipboard he carried and that wasn’t helping the pit that had developed in King’s stomach. The more he thought about it the more wrong this started to feel to him. “We need you to pay up or clear out the locker by the end of the week.”

“I’ll be there to settle it tomorrow.” He said immediately, because no matter what his gut was telling him he wasn’t about to stop a whole container full of things that were clearly important to Merri be sold off piece by piece. Besides, if he was right, that locker could provide a lot more information than anything else could.  “Do you mind if we go through it?”

“I literally don’t care. It’s not policy but you’re on the contract so technically you can.” That wasn’t really all that reassuring but he just continued out the door and called back over his shoulder as he went to carry on his day. “Thanks.” King just found himself sitting down in his chair again thinking about what else he could do, or should do. He would go and pay the bill but what else should he maybe be doing. What else could he be doing? He suddenly had an inspiration and jumped up then ran through to Patton’s office.

“Patton… I need you to try and find Merri.” That was an order he’d never thought he’d give. He didn’t think that he’d have to be tracking down a friend. Someone he’d never truly gotten over losing because she had become woven into his fabric. 

“What?” Patton froze and King knew how he felt. There was no reason they should really think that there was absolutely nothing at all wrong with Merri but King knew there was. He knew that there was a problem and he was determined that they would know what it was. He wasn’t going to ignore the feeling like he had when she first left.

“Any activity on her bank account, her social security number? Anything!” He didn’t need for Patton to actually ask the question before knowing what he was thinking. Why should he search? Why would they think anything was wrong. “Did she ever seem the type to you to not pay her bills? That guy told me I was the emergency contact. It just… I don’t know?”

“King… Why you, why now? It’s been… three years.” King winced hearing that and realised that as far as they all knew something could have happened to her years ago and they’d only just be finding out because he hadn’t been more curious. He hadn’t pushed her harder and he hadn’t wanted to know what was happening with her now.  He should have questioned more.

“I don’t know… but something is wrong and I’m determined to find out what.” King would promise that to himself and to Merri if she was still out there. He knew right now that there was a good chance they weren’t going to find her but he was sure that they would at least get some answers, even if they weren’t what he wanted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please heed all the tagged warnings on this one. It's rambly, but that's part of it.

**June 2016**

The more Merri fought the worse she was treated. She couldn’t count how many bruises she had, how many times she’d been drugged to the point of unconsciousness to be forced to do things she really didn’t want to. To be degraded in every way this group could do to her but through it all Merri focused on the fact that she would hopefully, eventually make things better for herself. She was leaving breadcrumbs, quietly, where she could. Secret notes on her phone that would be saved on the cloud and when they’d taken her out to sign a rental for a storage unit she had only set to be paid for 30 months, it seemed like a long time and that was probably her last case but she hoped that it worked.

In the meantime she just had to hold onto herself when they left her alone. Naked, bloody and broken in that cold concrete room. She would sing to herself in those times, the songs her friends had sung to her, the things they had talked about. She told stories in her head, she just made sure to keep a tight grip on who she was because the worst they could do was make her lose that.

How long she’d been here she didn’t know, but her first injuries were all nearly fully healed and she felt like she wasn’t ripping and tearing as much when they forced themselves on her. Either she just no longer felt it or she was healing with thicker skin. It was possible, surely. That’s what she was telling herself anyway. There wasn’t anyone special that focused on her, it seemed like she was open season for anyone who wanted too, and that was something that Merri never wanted to admit that she was secretly enjoying, just a little. Maybe that was the first sign that whatever was going on was working. They wanted to ruin her and that was certainly something they could use to their advantage. She would just never say it aloud. 

* * *

**October 2016**

Merri had long since lost count of how long she’d been here but she had long since given up fighting or hoping that she might be rescued any time soon. She was sure that there were people looking for her, that was her hope at least. Surely by now someone must have noticed that something was wrong. She didn’t really know what to think about why it was taking them so long but she hoped they had noticed. She surely wasn’t that expendable.

She was in her usual corner when the door opened and she winced at the sudden increase in light and frowned. “Get up.” The order was barked and Merri tried to remember who this one was. She didn’t know his name but she knew he had calluses on his right index finger and a mole on the left of his stomach. She’d had to see it enough that she was fairly sure she could draw it if she had to. “I said get up.”

“Keep your panties on, it takes me a few minutes you’ve all beat hell out of me.” She complained, the closest she got to true rebellion and resistance at this point but she still held on to that part of her that was herself long enough to keep something up, even if physically she had now given up and were letting them do whatever they wanted with her broken body. Did it really even matter anymore.

“You should mind your mouth. Your accommodation is being upgraded.” He told her with a smirk and as Merri looked around she just sighed. There wasn’t much worse than what she’d already been living in so any upgrade would have been appreciated. In general though she would have preferred to stay in her cell. She would have wanted for her to be found fighting, or at least found imprisoned. She didn’t want to be some sick housewife type, the circumstance forced upon her. She bit back her sarcastic response, but she was sure that there was a lot more to this than she already knew about, and she was also sure that there were things that would come out wherever this new room was.

Guided through too many corridors and in too many directions she couldn’t keep track like she’d been planning, but after five minutes of feeling like she was walking in circles she was thrown over the threshold of another door and dropped to the floor, the bruises still healing cried out in pain. It made her want to yell out but she refused to let that happen. She refused to let any of them know how much pain she was still in.

“I think, Brody, you’re going to have even more fun in here.” He snarled, and Merri spat at his feet before the door closed and Merri then pushed herself up. This room was more like a bedroom, at least there was a bed and a window, though the window was blacked out. She stopped in front of the reflective service and finally got a look at herself. Her face was bruised but it was starting to heal up, in actual light she could see the bruises up and down her arms and legs too, she noticed that there was a shower, so she went over and actually cleaned herself, which actually just made it a lot more obvious how injured she’d been.

Once she’d cleaned herself up she’d just wait, something would happen soon, surely. Someone would notice and someone would come get her. Maybe James would start telling people he wasn’t sure what she’d told him was true. James knew her better than anyone else on the planet but he couldn’t do much, she believed in him though. Someone would come. Where were they?

* * *

**March 2017**

Nobody was coming along the corridor but Merri was still fighting. She’d kicked Jordan this morning when he’d come into the bedroom and she’d known it was a bad idea but she didn’t feel like being forced into his favourite deplorable acts this morning. She knew she’d broken his nose and she didn’t regret anything about that, but she might regret this part. Kevin had been sent to punish her today and she remembered that he liked chains. He liked to batter her until she was black and blue and then question her.

Each of the five she saw in the week had their signatures and Merri knew them like the back of her hand now. She wondered how they weren’t bored of it by now. They all went home to their families and she wondered if she ever crossed their mind when they weren’t here. She didn’t know what the rest of this cult was about other than they were trying to overthrow the government and her relationship with Russo had given them an opening, as far as they thought.

“Why do you still never do what we want you to do, Meredith? You’d be allowed out of your cage then.” He spoke quietly, invitingly almost. The same trick they’d been using since she got here. The same thought that she would be treated better if she gave them information. That she’d be treated better if she was able to help them in their mission. They never listened to her even if she did give them the information they seeked. “I’m intending to have to call the doctor out to you tonight, unless you start giving me answers.”

“You realise that you’ve had me for months, if I had any relevant information it would be months out of date.” The sarcasm earned Merri a punch to the face, which she could now shrug off fairly quickly. She was about to return when her arms were caught behind her and she felt the cold iron of Kevin’s favoured restraint and a moment later the tug as it was fastened to one of the many hooks all along the walls.

“I’m sure you could still give us something… and if you can’t you still make a fun plaything.” Kevin’s taunting sent that familiar shiver up her spine and she had to bite her tongue from saying she missed actual playthings that could give her a good time, she knew that it would just lead to a bad outcome for her but she would admit to that. At times she closed her eyes while these men had their way with her and imagined one of them men she’d cared for, one of those she’d loved, trying to pretend it was anything but what it was. There were some she never pictured but it helped. Sometimes she just wanted to be anywhere else, even if it was only in her mind.

* * *

**November 2017**

It had been weeks since Merri had seen anyone but the doctor that visited her and the women who brought her food. Merri wondered if there had been some sort of raid that had taken out her usual tormentors but she felt the women would have said something. Each time they sat with her they tried to convince her to join their cause. It was a lovely community, they’d tell her. They had a safe place for their children, they’d say. Gabriel was a wonderful leader who would do great things for the world if he could take over. Merri had seen it all before and over a year here hadn’t made her want to join any more than she had thought.

The scrapes on the wall where she’d kept track of the days was nearing 400 since she’d come to this place and all she really wanted now was to go home. She wanted to see her mother again and she wanted to eat food and just not be here anymore. Since the almost daily rapes and beatings had stopped she’d regained some strength and she could feel herself coming back. She remembered she liked singing so she’d sing to herself, she remembered she liked to walk down the streets at home and speak to people. She remembered she liked home.

The woman who was sitting with her today was young. Maybe twenty years old. Last time Merri had seen her she’d been pregnant. That was not the memory Merri had expected to have formed of her. More than that she knew that the father was Kevin, who had always enjoyed wrapping Merri in chains to take his time. She doubted he did that at home. She was about to ask about the baby when another woman dashed in and spoke quickly. “Gabriel wants to see her tonight. Make her shower. He can’t see this.”

“Meredith you have to get in the shower now, then I’ll make your hair nice.” It wasn’t a request, and Merri felt herself just following the order without really thinking about it. As the thought to disobey crossed her mind she winced and rushed faster to the shower. Why did her body react that way? Why couldn’t she fight anymore? This was part of what they’d done though, wasn’t it. One day she wouldn’t even think about it. She’d just do whatever they wanted of her.

She showered and for the first time in too long was given clothes to wear, her hair was brushed through and she finally realised how long it had gotten. She didn’t remember the last time it was this long before she’d come here. It seemed like another life where she wasn’t captured, where she wasn’t this. She was herself again, which she hadn’t been in some time. She didn’t know why she’d been feeling so pathetic, but despite the shaking she knew who she was again. When another man came into the room the other women all dropped away and Merri got to look their leader over. He was not an attractive man, but he did have a magnetism that she was sure she would have been able to appreciate in other circumstances. Here she didn’t. Especially not know that he was the reason for all of this.

“The drugs we’ve been giving you came off nicely, I’m glad that the sedation isn’t necessarily needed anymore.” Well, that certainly explained so much about why the last several months were blurry at best. Merri had thought that she’d just allowed herself to drop off but it made sense that she’d been too much for them. She couldn’t help the spark of pride that she had at that.

“It wouldn’t have been needed at all if you hadn’t captured me.” Now she’d known she’d been drugged her anger bubbled up to the surface. She wanted to be able to push back more and allow herself to start realising that it was conditioning and drugs that caused the problems, not her. She had always been the person she knew herself to be.

“Oh but Merri, that’s the nickname you like isn’t it?” All Merri did in response to that was snarl, refusing to confirm or deny. It didn’t matter, he just continued. “Merri… I’ve never seen such a willful woman. You’re mine now and I will be doing whatever I want with you.”  “Any chance you had is gone. I want you to be able to fight me though…” 

“Fuck you.” She snapped, as angry as she could.

“That’s the intention.” The smile that he gave her chilled her through and Merri realised that she was going to die here, she was going to die by his hand too, but she didn’t know when or how. She would still keep fighting though, so that when her friends eventually found her body they would at least know that she didn’t give up, even if they had tried to make her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This here is a long chapter in Pride's POV and that makes up for chapter 5 which is very short in comparison and extremely painful. As usual, never watched after Merri left so any new agents are entirely of my own creation.

**May 2019**

King had been trying to push down the sinking feeling for a week now. Patton had run all of Merri’s information and she hadn’t shown up anywhere since the night she’d left New Orleans. Everything after that had been done over the phone, other than signing the lease for the storage compartment. She had set that up as a trigger, King was sure of that now. It had probably been a last resort so that someone would know that she was missing. Someone would know that she needed help. Why she’d set it this long he didn’t  know, but as a last resort it made sense. He was still clinging on to any hope he could, and that included calling her mother and hoping that, maybe, Olivia Brody had heard from her daughter and all his fears could be put to rest. “You’ve not heard from her?”

“It’s not unusual.” Olivia insisted, just like she had at the beginning of the call when he’d first asked if she’d spoken to Merri recently. It seemed bizarre to him that Olivia could be so complacent when there were so many things going on and so many opportunities for things to be different. 

“For three years?” He had to ask, had to push it. He didn’t like going three days without checking in on Laurel, so he couldn’t imagine being so blase about not speaking to his daughter for three years. Once again, Merri’s history as someone who ran from her life had made it easy for her to disappear like this, but King couldn’t imagine that this was of Merri’s choice. They would have all heard something by now. They would have all known something.

“We went nearly 6 without speaking before.” Olivia reminded him that there had been a long period of estrangement after Merri’s twin sister had died. He still didn’t know why that had happened. He’d never asked and she’d never offered. She never offered unless she was pushed. “Dwayne if you really want to know anything about Meredith… you need to call James. She speaks to him more than anyone.” That was what he was hoping he wouldn’t have to do.

“Thanks. I was just hoping she’d have spoken to you.”He knew there was a disappointment in his voice and he probably should have tried better to hide it but he hadn’t. He was disappointed and he was worried and he was furious at himself. There was no reason that he should have ever considered anything other than what he’d been believing for the last three years and yet he had known there was something wrong. He had known there was something going on. But he’d denied his initial feelings and convinced himself that it was just Merri.

“Do you think there is something wrong?” Olivia asked and he could hear the increasing worry in her voice. He hadn’t wanted to worry her but he knew that there was no point lying to her, and given her position, potentially having Olivia Brody on their side was likely a good idea.

“I honestly don’t know. It’s probably nothing.” King was deflecting a little but since he didn’t know for sure, though he was willing to actually officially say that Merri was a missing person he wasn’t sure he was ready to say that to her mother. This was, he realised, how some people were never found again. It took families and friends too long to put things together.

“Please call me if anything changes. I already lost one daughter.” The pain in just those five words reminded King that Olivia knew the pain of losing her child probably better than anyone else involved in this situation did. He didn’t know how it felt, nor did anyone else in this office, but King wasn’t ready to shatter what little hope she had left until he had facts.

“I’ll call you tomorrow Olivia.” Whatever the decision, that was going to happen. He just stared at the name on the screen for a few moments, remembering how it used to be when it the only Brody he spoke to was Merri, and when her calls or her texts would have been about a case, not something like this. This was not something he’d ever expected to have experienced.

He sighed and threw his cellphone onto his desk, glaring at it angrily for not giving him the answers that he wanted. He was getting more and more frustrated at the fact that he had just accepted everything as it was all that time ago. “Merri’s mom?” Chris asked after a second and all King could do was nod and pull the case file toward him. He hadn’t filed it to make it an official file yet, but he had updated Merri’s information in the NCIS database to say she was missing, whereabouts unknown. “No answers?”

“Yeah, she hasn’t heard from her.” He wanted to throw something else but he knew that wouldn’t help. He was about to receive probably the angriest ‘I told you so’ in history and he hated more that James had known all along than he hated himself for not realising. “Can you all give me the office. I need to call someone else and he’s not going to be happy.”

Chris got up immediately and clapped a hand on their youngest agent’s shoulder, motioning to the door. “Sure King. Come on new girl let’s go and get lunch.” He suggested and King was just thankful that they left immediately so that he didn’t have to think about how this was going to sound to anyone else. His eyes floated up to Merri in the middle of the evidence board and he winced mentally before reaching forward and picking up his phone and scrolling through until he reached the right name. _‘Lathom, James_ ’. 

It connected quickly, and not knowing where in the world James was right now meant the King didn’t know if he’d have to leave a message or not, but after four rings there was a heavily accented accent answer and King knew that he’d made it through to the right person. He’d gotten used to hearing that voice on the other end of his phone, and until now he’d never listened. “James… it’s Pride. I think you were right.”

“About Merri?” James clarified and while King was sure that he was grateful to be hearing something now there was going to be a moment when he realised that he was right. King stayed silent as James processed the information through all at once and he heard a sharp intake of breath before James spoke again, giving him a second to prepare for the next sentence. The moment when this all became real. “You’ve been telling me I was insane for three years!” 

“I was… wrong and now I need your help.” King needed to know everything about Merri’s Florida plans. Everything about what would have been going through Merri’s mind. He needed to know everything about the women he’d been all too comfortable writing off when there was no reason that he should have done so.

“Yeah you do.” James didn’t even try to sound as though he was sympathetic, and probably if King was in the same position he wouldn’t be forgiving either. “I told you something was wrong and you said I was being paranoid. That I needed to just accept that she needed space.” James sounded angry and King was thankful. He should be angry, it would make it easier for King to be mad at himself. 

He didn’t want James to forgive him, but he did now need to admit that he’d been wrong and that he should have done a lot more to check that Merri was safe, that she was where she should have been. That she was with someone who should have cared for her. He’d been wrong and Merri was the one who was paying for that. “I was wrong. I’ll admit that.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow.” James said suddenly with no warning and while King knew that he needed James’ help to try and understand what had happened he wasn’t really sure that he was ready to have the man right there. Ready to have the most tangible proof that he’d failed being stood telling him things that he should have known on his own. “Like hell am I being on the outside of this Pride. I’ll be there tomorrow.” It wasn’t something that it sounded like he could argue, even if he wanted to.

“I’ll see you when you get here. I’ll pick you up.” King surrendered and would admit if anybody ever asked him that keeping James around could be useful. Much like Olivia, he had a lot of contacts that King would never have been able to get access to no matter how much he tried. James could help and right now it was showing they needed it. 

When King was finally done, and when he’s recovered enough from the phone call he left a note for when Chris and Madeline got back from their lunch and headed out across the city to Loretta’s office. Another one who wouldn’t let him forget that she’d had misgivings too. He hadn’t listened to her either. After exchanging some pleasantries he just watched her for a second before telling her the real reason he’d come. “I need to go look through Merri’s storage locker… and I can’t do that alone.” He felt pathetic saying that, and at the look Loretta gave him he actually felt worse. “I have the key, I got it last week when I went and paid for it. 

“And you want me to go with you?” Loretta seemed to be slightly suspicious, slightly untrusting, about why he was asking her to go to check over the locker with him. King couldn’t blame her. He’d pushed them all further away over the last few years, held everyone at arm’s length just in case they might have left too. He couldn’t help it and he hadn’t planned for it but now he needed to make a more concerted effort to stop. 

“You were her friend too.” He winced at his use of the past tense. They were still Merri’s friends. They would always be Merri’s friends because they would find her and she’d be alright. She’d just have been away and this was her alarm clock. He was determined they wouldn’t be going to a funeral. That was the other reason he wanted Loretta to go with him. She would let him talk and she wouldn’t try and stop him. “I just need to be able to talk too.” 

“Sure, I’ll just grab my bag.” King watched, silently, then lead the way to his car. He didn’t actually know where to start when it came to speaking and instead he was silent, just waiting, hoping that he’d eventually be prompted. “What’s really on your mind Dwayne?” Loretta eventually provided like he’d hoped she would.

“I should have known there was more to it.” He eventually supplied. It wasn’t his fault was it? He should have been able to do this, it was his job but this one was just hitting so close to home. “She was settling down here. Putting down roots. She’d stopped running. Of course she wouldn’t have just upped and left with no goodbyes.” He had known this at the time but he hadn’t seemed to take it into account. He’d just wanted to believe that it was all good.

“You couldn’t have known that. She had a history.” Loretta gave him the out. The same out he’d been giving himself for years but he realised that he’d gone against his own thoughts, his own reasonings. He didn’t normally think about the past, but it was something he couldn’t help from thinking about now.

“Not with us. I once told her that history didn’t matter and then in the end it did matter. I knew that there was something wrong but I just wrote it off to it being the way she was.” He felt the anger flaring up inside him again and he blamed himself for all of this. He should have known that it was suspicious. He wasn’t going to let himself off the hook. “Three years and not even a call… That wasn’t her.” He couldn’t actually say anything else, and he just drove around the corner to the storage place, ready to try and find some answers.

King struggled to focus on anything that he was meant to do. He went through the entire locker but he couldn’t see anything, he couldn’t take anything in because he realised that he was going through Merri’s belongings, going through what was left of the life that she had clearly very hastily escaped from. King didn't want to think about what must have been going through her head when she'd packed up, and he didn't want to try and think too much about what might be going on with her now. 

He barely slept, he just kept staring at that one photo. The one that he'd put up on the evidence board. She'd hate it, he was sure of that. She hated her official photographs, he remembered hearing that from her, and it meant that picking James up was more difficult than he'd expected. Once again he was thankful that Loretta had offered to come along with them. “James. I cleared out Merri’s old house for you to stay in. Nobody’s rented it since her.”

“Thanks, Loretta. I didn’t expect you to be here.” King wasn't actually aware that Loretta and James had ever met, but then again he should have guessed that they would have. Merri and James were close, he'd been to New Orleans a couple of times when Merri had been living in Loretta's guest house. It made sense that they would have crossed paths on more than one occasion. "I'd be honoured to stay in Merri's place." 

It was a tense moment, one that King didn't pretend not to notice, but he also tried not to outwardly show that he was bothered by the tension that was pressing between them. “I was just coming to give you the keys. Stay as long as you like.” Loretta smiled, taking James' case and racing ahead to the car, giving the two men some space that she probably thought they needed. King wasn't so sure if he was honest but he would take it. 

“Thank you.” James called after her then turned his attention to King and he realised that he needed to have an answer and he didn't have anything. He was both dreading the question and just wanting it to be asked so that he could hate himself a little more for how long this had all taken. “Have you found anything out?”

“Nothing concrete. We tracked her car to an impound lot in Northern Florida, we were lucky it hadn’t been crushed. The guy who owned the place had a soft spot for it. Chris and Madeline are there going through it today. We had forensics going over her storage locker yesterday after I’d already been through it.” King tried to sound detached, he tried to play down the fact that every word was cutting him in two to admit. King had known that James' arrival would have made this harder but it was surprising just how bad it was. 

“You think she’s dead don’t you?” The word was finally said. The one thing that everyone had been so hesitant to say. The question that everyone had been so cautious when it came to asking, but James just came straight out with it. King didn't want to think that she was dead but if someone was missing for three years… What really were the odds that they'd be found? 

“I can’t imagine… it’s been three years James.” He sounded as defeated as he felt and he wouldn't have blamed James for taking a swing at him, instead the journalist just froze in place, meaning that a few feet opened up between the two of them in the time it took for King to notice that he wasn't keeping pace any longer and turning to face him. "I don't think it's likely we'll get her back." He had to keep being honest and he hoped that James would respect that at least. 

“And if you’d listened to me two years and ten months ago maybe we stood a chance of finding her!” James yelled and King winced before he thought better about it. James had said all along that it was suspicious, that Merri never completely disappeared like this. He had said that when he and Merri broke up he was the distant one. Until she'd moved to New Orleans she'd kept in regular contact. When Merri had first disappeared he'd turned up to check on her because it hadn't happened before. "You should have just listened to me!" 

“I know. I know!” King found himself yelling back even though he didn't James for the anger. He remembered a similar anger in Merri's face as he'd told her she was down a rabbit hole. Merri had been right then, too, and apparently James had the same habit. King now knew that he needed to listen when either of them had a gut feeling, the chances were they were right. “I’m guilty enough without you making it worse!” 

“I just need to find her, Pride. I need to take her home to her mum so Olivia can say goodbye to both her girls.” Those words forced King to deflate entirely, and he almost watched the hope drop away from James with each word. He hadn't wanted to think about Olivia Brody and her losing both her daughters, but now he had no option. He couldn't really picture it and he hoped he'd never be in that situation, let alone have to face it twice in one lifetime. 

“I was trying not to think about that. Come on, we’ll get a break eventually.” At least if they were at the office King could feel like he was doing something and he would need to speak to James more about Merri's habits, more about what they should be expecting to find because there were layers to Meredith Brody that her friends in New Orleans had never managed to peel away. 

They didn't help. Nothing seemed to help and the longer they went since realising that something wasn't right the less hope King had that they would ever have an answer. Merri would just go into one of those unending missing persons stacks because they could no longer spare the time to actively work on her case. King couldn't hand it over to someone who didn't know her and who probably wouldn't care about her either. She had loved ones who would want to be able to say goodbye. He owed it to her to at least bring her home one last time. That was what drove him to keep pushing his team, and to keep reassuring James that something would break. It was on the fifth day that, finally, Madeline found something. “I think I have her.”

“What?” James yelped and King jumped out of his seat. All of them rushing over to Madeline's desk, Merri's desk, just to see what it was that she'd connected. She was taking point, as the only person in the room emotionally unaffected it had seemed like the best idea and she had kept them on track better than King would have expected give the situation they were all in. 

When they were finally all gathered around Madeline's desk she pulled up something and started motioning to the picture and then to one of the evidence bags she had on her desk. “Remember those pamphlets we found in her car. Light of the Everlasting Saviour?”

“Yeah? ” All three men chorused at once. King didn't know where this was going. He did remember they had all mentioned it was strange. James had mentioned that Merri had been brought up strictly Catholic and by the time they met at nineteen she was entirely agnostic. He didn't think she would have been interested in anything like that and she probably had just grabbed the leaflets while she passed someone. 

“There is a splinter crew in Alabama going by the same name.” Madeline grinned at that and pulled up an image of a compound out in the middle of the state, far enough from anywhere to fly fairly under the radar and King imagined they had plenty of hiding holes that people wouldn't find. “Generally a harmless cult but they have an interesting portfolio. Chris found it online.” 

“Alabama comes under our catchment.” King reasoned with a gentle nod. He knew that there were reasons they could go out there, but the biggest being that they had reasonable suspicion they were involved in the abduction of a federal agent. “I’m going to call DC.”

“King. They have been fairly commonly raided for the last two years, nobody found anything.” That would be a stumbling block, but it was one that King could think to easily counter. Regular raids would be for simple problems, and they likely wouldn't have been poking around that deeply, especially not for a missing agent. 

“They weren’t looking for what we are. Grab your gear.” He wasn't going to give it another moment's thought, he was thinking that there were things that could go wrong but if they got back remains that even could have been Merri's it would be worth it, and there was always the small chance that Merri might be alive. That somehow she had managed to get them to keep her alive. 

“Pride?” He heard a voice and turned to see James' plaintive, pleading expression and King knew in that moment that even if he didn't let James come along he would follow and get in the way anyway. At least if he came with them they would think that he was an agent and they probably wouldn't challenge him. 

“Grab a vest. I might even let you have a gun.” That might be pushing it too far, but there was a lot that could go wrong and King wasn't going to take any chances. There was only one reason that James was coming along and that was simple, King still felt like he owed his former partner. "I'm doing this for Merri though, no other reason." 

The only good news in weeks was that the local state troopers still had a large portion of the senior members of the cult in lock-up, and all the weapons. King didn't get all the details on why but he did know that it was going to make what they needed to do so much easier. They went straight in to the compound and up to the main door, banging as loud as they could. A moment later a soft voice spoke from behind the door, not what King had expected and when the door opened he frowned, unable to believe this man was the leader here and yet somehow still unsurprised. “Don’t hurt the women and children. They aren’t the problem.”

“We don’t plan on hurting anyone but you. We’re NCIS.” King said as he pushed the door further open, not clicking the light switch as he didn't want to make it any easier for any surprises to happen. He had a feeling that the Troopers were right, and while they had almost everyone the ones remaining decided that going peacefully was the better plan. 

“Oh, I was wondering when we’d finally get a visit from you. We really did pick the right agent. Three years and nobody came looking for her until now.” A chilling chuckle emanated forth and King fought the urge to clap his hands over his ears. 

“Where is she?” James asked before King could get the words out and King knew how he felt. He wanted to know too but James was faster. He wasn't having to think about the safety of an entire team, but that didn't matter if this worked out well. 

“Open the bookcase. She’s down there.” With the hands still up he nodded to the bookcase to his left, it didn't look like it moved from where King stood but he had no reason to doubt. “I tell you what… she’s more forceful than I expected, but I made her do what I wanted eventually. I was planning on killing her and then… Well situations change so quickly don't they?"

“Chris… take this lowlife.” King snarled and handed him over before James jumped the guy and instead the two of them shared a look and went to push the bookshelf aside. "Let Madeline go first. If she's been abused… A woman might be better." He hated saying that but he knew he was right and he nodded to Madeline to go first and waited for the call.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the same warnings as the previous chapter. A lot of the future chapters are going to mention previous sexual abuse.
> 
> This is also the shortest chapter that I've written in a long time.

**May 2019**

Merri was used to hearing the raids above, though so far they had never actually made it down into this place she had begun to call home. That didn't mean she didn't cower every time she heard them, and that she didn't hope every time that it would be this time her friends came for her. This time they remembered that she existed, that she had been one of them for so long. After all this time in this deep, dank pit she was beginning to doubt that. 

Then, she heard the opening of the top of the corridor. She never heard that during raids. Softly spoken words she couldn't make out and all she could do was hide. She could make herself as small as possible and hope that it would pass quickly. She'd either be killed or be saved, there was surely nothing else for her at this point given all the time that had passed. Still, she hid, ready to plead for her life if she finally saw him come down here again. He hadn't been here in months, not since he'd… 

She'd rather not think about that, even if there was evidence all around her of what he'd done. Merri was a walking example of the damaged he'd done and yet still she wanted for it to be him coming down because at least that meant she had a chance to plead. To make a case. She hid behind a chair, hearing soft footsteps and the beams of light that she remembered wielding once. Scanning over a room. Then an intake of breath and a soft voice. "Agent Brody, is that you?" 

Merri turned her face up, looking to the person who had spoken and not recognising them. Maybe it was the light? They were too tall to be Sonja but they knew who she was. They'd used her name. Merri opened her mouth but nothing came out and the figure instead turned and called over her shoulder. "Pride, you better come down here." 

Pride. Merri couldn't really believe it and she found herself staying crouched, thinking this was all some elaborate plot until he was there. He as coming into the room and Merri put the pile of blankets on the floor and launched from her crouch into his arms, sobbing in relief and pain and joy and hurt all at once. She didn't know which emotion it was that hit her first but they were all there. She was clinging onto him for dear life and she didn't know what to do. There were lights, more lights than she'd seen in a while and people… More than she'd seen in years. She was about to ask something when there was a distinctly English accent speaking, and Merri hadn't even realised he was there. "And who is this little one?" 

James was stood there and, more to Merri's surprise, had picked up the small pile of wriggling blankets she'd put down before launching herself and she turned to him, a hand still on King as if she thought he would vanish if she let go. "That's a baby. My baby." Her voice didn't sound like her voice and the words didn't sound right but they were right. In a way, she still wasn't sure that was true. "I had it… Five or six days ago. I don't remember." She couldn't gauge time clearly, still. But she still hurt from it. She could still feel the fear as she'd done it alone. 

"A little girl." James smiled, taking the clean blankets he was passed and holding her, coming closer to where Merri stood clinging to King then he passed the baby over, and Merri turned her attention to him, flinging herself into his arms instead. "I knew something was wrong MB. I tried, but nobody would listen until you left a calling card. You set it so that the payments would stop you clever, clever woman." James just held her tight to him, and she felt even more reassured hearing those words. That was never really meant to be what saved her. That was her worst case scenario. She had never imagined it would actually come to that. 

She allowed James and King to help her out of the building that had been her home for three years now. She hadn't been outside in that entire time. She didn't want to look at herself, she didn't want to think about what was happening. She just felt like this was all too good to be true and when she opened her eyes this wouldn't be happening. She wouldn't be free. This would have all been a dream. Every time she blinked she needed to be holding on to them both, and thankfully neither tried to step away, one or the other carrying the baby along with them too. Merri was glad about that, she didn't want the baby left there even if she didn't know what else she wanted. 

"Meredith, hey. Merri. Does the baby have a name?" King's voice brought her back from her slightly overwhelmed thought process and she looked at him for a second. The baby, the one she'd had… No there was no name but maybe there should be. She stayed staring at him as she tried to process that. People gave babies names and she had a baby so she should have a name. After another few seconds, Pride prodded again. "It's okay if she doesn't, you can give her one when you're feeling better." 

"Shouldn't her mother give her one?" She asked before it dawned on her that she was the baby's mother. She looked away again and down at her hands, grime and much and she didn't want to know what coating them and she didn't remember the last time she'd been clean. The lights were bright and she knew that they would be even brighter at a hospital. The more she thought about it the more she realised she didn't know. She didn't really know what was happening. "Oh. I don't know. I don't… Know. I…" 

"Emily. You always said you wanted to call a girl Emily and she was with you when we weren't." James spoke quietly and when Merri looked up again he was holding the baby and speaking to her almost as much as he was to everyone else. "She can be Emily until you think of another name." He then gave her one of those smiles. The ones that before had always unsettled her because it seemed like he was giving too much. Now it was just another smile and she didn't know how to take it. 

"We'll get you both to the hospital, make sure you're in a room together, with low lights." King seemed to, at least, be noticing that it was far too bright for her right now. She was just letting him guide her, despite all that had happened she still trusted him, trusted James, enough that she would let them take her and the baby anywhere they wanted. "We'll make sure you're both alright then we can talk." 

Talking? Merri didn't need to talk. She didn't want to talk and there wasn't much that she needed to say. There wasn't much that she thought they needed to hear bust she did have one question, one thing she desperately needed to know before they moved too far and she summoned every part of her to not sound like a child, but she knew it still would. She looked to King and she could feel the tears welling up as she asked her one question, just four words and they were all she needed to know. "Why didn't you come?"

**Author's Note:**

> The title is for the two songs that have most heavily inspired it - ["Let Me Go" by Startisan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LWWUtEFVBA) and ["Don't Let Me Go" by The Summer Set](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76RsKo6qdhA)


End file.
